Pranks & Sweets: The War of the Chocolate Factories
by Sakuchi-san
Summary: L and Mello both own chocolate factories that are the leading candy producers in the WORLD. But with two factories there is always a race for profits...and just plain being the best. The time has come again for the wars and with Matsuda & Light on L's team and Near & Matt on Mello's team, will any factory be left standing after the prank war of the millenia? (Willy Wonka Parody)
1. Board Meeting: Rise and Shine

Before the crack of dawn L was already up and moving putting on his velvet purple jacket and top hat along with khaki slacks. He took one quick look at the shoes and decided against them. _Shoes are so overrated and so is sleep, really who needs it? _He thought as he grabbed his cane and trodded down the steps to the worker's quarters.

Being only two workers in a factory that is mainly run by computers L didn't have far to go. First he came to Matsuda's door. Tapping lightly on the door with his cane he called, "Hey Matsuda, get up. We're having a meeting today. Board room in 10 minutes, please."

L waited for a few minutes until he heard a groggy groan come from inside the room. "I'm...coming...need to brush face and wash teeth...put on pants then underwear with...socksssss on ears."

Satisfied that Matsuda was at least moving L continued on to the next door which he didn't treat as lightly. With his cane he gave the door a few good solid smacks and yelled, "Light get up and get ready for work. You know I rise at the crack of dawn. And no slipping back into the blankets either, we have a board meeting today."

Inside the room came the reply, "Screw you. Get the hell away from my door..." Then more snoring.

"Light, _get up._"

"In 60 minutes...in fact make it 120."

"Light, if you don't get up I'm docking your pay."

"You don't really pay me anyways, fuck off."

"Don't make me come in there."

"Bring it, you Barney purple reject."

L opened the door with his master key, cane at ready.

* * *

><p>Just a ways down the block Mello was also starting his morning. Dawning his dark burgundy jacket and top hat and black pants and boots he smiled at himself in the mirror. <em>Time to rise and destroy. <em>_Just another day plotting turmoil and making money. _He thought suavely as he headed for the worker's quarters, black cane in hand.

A highly computerized candy factory doesn't need that many workers and as cheap as Mello was that was just the way he liked it. Coming to the first door he wasted no time beating the hell out of it with his cane and shouting, "Yo Game Dork, rise and shine! Get off your ass from in front of the Xbox and get out here, board meeting in ten!"

From inside the room came the crackling of multiple junk food wrappers and empty clanking of soda cans as Matt slurrily replied, "Yeah, yeah, coming right now. I think I slept on my bean bag chair wrong, my neck doesn't feel right...Screw the shower this morning..."

Next Mello continued down the hall until he was standing in front of one of his most annoying workers. Ignoring the cane completely he choose to kick the door down. Once inside he shouted, "Silver-haired bastard, get your ass down to the board room! I know you don't sleep, you vampire so don't shit with me."

At the far end of the room Near was slowly putting on the company uniform. "I'll come out when I'm good and ready. It's very uncourteous of you to burst into my room while I am changing. If you were hoping to sneak a peak you're a bit too late. I already put my pants on." He said cheekily with his small half smile walking past a seething Mello. "Meet ya in the board room in ten."

Boiling, Mello quickly contemplated burying the cane in Near's head then decided against it. _I don't want to pay workman's comp today..._ He thought striding to the board room.

* * *

><p>Back in L's factory everyone was situated in the board room (Light with a tad more bruises than normal). L was at the head of the table with a platter of doughnuts, chocolates, strawberry danishes, and candies and was eating with gusto for someone so thin.<p>

Matsuda was at the left-middle side of the table eating a bowl of oatmeal, or at least trying to if he could keep his eyes open. Slowly his eyes slipped close and the spoon fell out of his hands with a sharp _clink _that jolted him back awake. "I swear I didn't put dewberries in the danishes! I didn't know they were poisonous- Oh, um, good morning?"

Completely ignoring Matsuda's strange outburst, Light grumpily sulked and cursed under his breath at the other end of the table. "You know I'm filing for workman's comp, right? This will not go unnoticed. Why the hell did you call us here anyways!?" He asked angrily rubbing his sore ribs.

L stopped eating for just a moment to give a little smile. "Oh, we're here to discuss ways of, well, _negotiating _with Mello on the candy business. If you know what I mean..."

* * *

><p>In the dark board room of Mello's factory everyone was gathered around a medium circle conference table. Mello was busy devouring his sixth chocolate bar of the morning with vigor before Near cleared his throat beside him.<p>

"If you're finished eating the profits, will you mind telling us why we're meeting?" Near asked as politely as can be.

"Yeah, and why the hell we have to be up if computers run the damn factory?" Matt grumbled with disdain picking at his Doritos.

Wiping his mouth Mello smirked. "Oh, well, we have to go over our plans for _negotiation _with L's company down the block."

* * *

><p>Groaning Light and Matsuda put their heads in their hands. "It's too soon to start another one..."<p>

* * *

><p>Sighing audibly Matt and Near glared at Mello. "It's that time of year already..."<p>

* * *

><p>"That's right, but we have no choice." L said.<p>

* * *

><p>"Yup, and don't try to back out of it." Mello said.<p>

* * *

><p>"<em><strong>The War of the Chocolate Factories has come again! Battle starts tomorrow!" <strong>_

And both shouts were heard across the neighborhood.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

_**The war has begun...and it will be hilarious.** _


	2. Plan 1: Infiltration

L sat back in his broad chair and looked at Light and Matsuda intensely. "You two know this is no matter to be debated. Mello and his _cohorts _will be trying to put us out of business again around this time of year. It never fails."

"Argh! But my eyebrows just grew back from the last prank war! Remember the fire bomb? _In the gumdrop vat?! _I'll never look at gumdrops the same way again." Matsuda complained as he rolled back and forth in his business chair.

"Yes, your eyebrows were a semi-unfortunate casualty but at least you're still alive, unlike a certain bunch of aquarium fish that used to live downstairs." Said L glancing casually over at Light.

"Dammit! How was I supposed to know that they were going to spike the fish feed with poison? I didn't even want fish! Swedish fish would have been fine because they don't _live._ Besides, who cares about a stupid clown fish?" Light protested angrily. "I mean, _come on! They're SUSHI!_"

Just then Matsuda burst into tears. "WAHHAAH! I miss Naaakiiii!" He sobbed as he remembered the clown fish that he had picked out especially for the tank downstairs.

"And that's why", L said as he spun in his chair, "we need to take action first. And I know exactly how to do it. Through infiltration."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile a few blocks down from L's factory Mello and his team were having the same discussion.<p>

"So, time has come around again to try to put L out of business. And this time we will make sure he will not be able to recover, you got me?" Mello said as he pointed his cane at Matt and Near. "He goes down _permanently._"

Matt raised his head from the table and asked, "Just what again are we fighting L and his guys for? This has been going on for such a long time that I've forgotten."

Sighing Near said, "This is all over some stupid secret chocolate recipe and the copyrights to it. Apparently Mello claimed to have thought it up while we were at Wammy's House and L stole it or something. Now he's pissed, though I can't believe he could come up with something original."

"Hell yeah I thought of it!" Mello shouted angrily as he slammed his fist on the table, a small vein popping out of his forehead. "And that bastard went and copyrighted it so he could make a factory before I did. Now he's out there making a killing and were going down in flames."

"Maybe we wouldn't go down in flames if the candy was better. I mean really, who's going to buy peanut butter cups laced with _vodka_ for _children. _We want customers, not alcoholics." Near huffed as he played with a Marvel Spiderman figure.

"Spidey's going to go up yer ass in a minute if you keep talking." Mello threatened. "Anyways, I've already thought of something. Destroy from the inside: infiltration."

* * *

><p>"Infiltration? Really? And who the hell do you think is going to go into that hell house?" Light asked L as he rose to go and start his rounds surveying the caramel room. "You better not say me either."<p>

"As a matter of fact I was thinking about sending Matsuda to do it. He's seems suitable: bumbling, idiotic, innocent, and not the least bit suspectful of having any type of intelligence. The perfect cover." L replied rising also to start the vats in the chocolate room (and maybe sample the product while he was at it).

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Matsuda interjected as the two were leaving the room. "When did _I _say I was going to try to break into candy hell over there? You know they put vodka in their chocolate right? They're hardcore!"

L paused on his way out the door. "Oh, then I must have misjudged you Matsuda. I thought someone would want to get revenge for dear Naki. But I guess he wasn't important enough."

Matsuda froze and thought that over for a second. _Naki was as close to a real pet I've ever had besides the pet rock in 7__th__ grade...Maybe I should... _

"Alright, count me in! Bumbling, innocent, idiot to the rescue!"

* * *

><p>"Hey, who the hell decided that I was going to be the one to go in there? That place is like a high maximum security prison! There's a guard dog at the front door!" Matt protested when Mello told him that he was the one who was going to be carrying out the plan.<p>

Mello tapped his cane impatiently against the floor as he glared at Matt. "You know who decided? Me. You know who doesn't care? Me. You know who's going to whip your whining ass if you don't go? Me. Getting the picture?"

This is where Near interrupted to say, "Remember what they did to that brand new PS4 of yours? It wasn't even broken in when Light took it and dropped it in the caramel vat. Doesn't that give you the grounds to exact gamer retribution?"

Matt grimaced as he remembered the newly arrived PS4, the release he's been waiting for. He'd saved most of the money that Mello considered salary to buy that system, but when the war started then it became another casualty. That's why he spiked the fish food.

"Okay, I'm in. But there better be another PS4 in this for me, I don't come cheap."

* * *

><p>"Atta' boy, Matsuda. A model employee. Now, he's your earpiece and cellphone. You go in today."<p>

* * *

><p>"Knew you had some kind of guts. Take this cellphone and walkie-talkie. You're going today."<p>

* * *

><p>"Oh, and Matsuda?"<p>

* * *

><p>"Yo, Matt?"<p>

* * *

><p>"<em><strong>Don't screw up."<strong>_

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

_**I think I like this switching style. I'll see how it goes further on.**_

_**Oh, and please give your condolences to Naki the goldfish in the review section, Matsuda is really cut up over it...**_


	3. The Worst Spies Ever

In a few hours Matsuda was standing on enemy soil glancing through a window. _L didn't really tell me how to get inside, so I guess I'll go through the window. _He thought as he took a deep breath and braced himself to ram the window. _This is for NAKI. _

Rushing the window Matsuda expected to hear glass, but all he heard was whistling air as he tripped over the windowsill and onto the floor face first. Apparently Mello doesn't think much of security to leave his windows unlocked.

Shouldering his back Matsuda smiled. "Phase One going smoothly! Now onward and for justice-"

"What the hell are you doing here?"

* * *

><p>Matt stood pacing outside the back door to L's factory. <em>I can't just walk in there….I mean the place is probably swarming with guards…How else do I go about this? <em>He thought as glanced around wearily with his supplies on his shoulder. Then he spotted a crate labeled "DELIVERY". _There's my lucky break._

Quickly he popped the lid to the crate and scrambled in, snuggling into the packaging peanuts. He only had to wait five minutes until he felt the box being loaded on a dolly and pushed inside. As soon as the footsteps vanished he levered the lid off and scrambled out, caramel pieces stuck to his hair.

"Ha, easier than I expected. This guy sure doesn't keep up with the-"

"Goddammit, there's a rat in the caramel. Damn pest."

* * *

><p>Shooting up straight Matsuda took a shaky glance behind him…only to see that he had been caught by Near and his Spider-Man action figure. <em>I'll never become a spy.<em>

"Hello, I asked you what you were doing here. You understand English, yes? Me. Human. You…Well I don't know what you are." Near said, smirking as he scratched his head with the action figure.

"Um…ah. Well, you see-" Matsuda stuttered as he tried to get the wheels in his brain to turn faster without smoking. His eyes darted around the room until they landed on the action figure. In one quick motion he snatched it and chucked it clear across the room.

Near paused for a nanosecond, glancing between Matsuda and where the figure landed, then darted for Spider-Man while Matsuda ran for cover.

* * *

><p>Matt turned around slowly and glanced up into the most horrid fact he'd ever seen (besides Mello on a bad hair day). Light was glaring down at him tapping his foot impatiently. <em>Fuck my life, God hates me.<em>

Light peered closely into Matt's face, and then laughed. "Oh! I remember you. You're that kid who's Xbox I threw in the caramel vat last year. Oh my god, priceless! I still have that picture of you." He chuckled holding his stomach.

Burning anger seized Matt as he groped hurriedly around in his bag until his fist closed around a silver canister. "Yeah, hahaha, and you're the guy who got pepper-sprayed! Remember?" Matt said as he took out the canister and gave Light a dousing of the stuff.

"You MOTHERFUCKER."

While Light swore, Matt beat a hasty getaway.

* * *

><p>Back in Mello's factory Matsuda was busily getting to work wrecking whatever he could get his hands on. First, he punched a hole in the corn syrup used to sweeten the bubble gum. As that poured onto the floor, he found the chocolate freezer and took all the frozen bars and tossed them into the furnace wrecking it in the process. Every chance he got he stuck black licorice into the steam pipes. Next, he decided that he was going to dump <em>all <em>of the vodka into the chocolate mixture instead of a little.

He was just getting around to the gummy worms when he heard tapping coming from behind him. Turning he saw Mello looking at him with fire in his eyes and Near just behind with a bat in one hand and Spidey in the other.

"Well, it looks like L didn't waste time giving up. He sent the stupidest guy here, too bad he won't recognize him when he gets dipped in the caramel vat, right Near?" Mello said as he began to step toward Matsuda with his can raised.

Near didn't say anything, but by the look on his face he wasn't against murder.

* * *

><p>On the other side Matt was doing his fair share of property damage to L's company. He took out a bottle of vinegar to pour into the taffy mixture. Afterwards he swept all the cherries off the conveyor belts and replaced them with red stained glass beads to be dipped in chocolate. Then he casually proceeded to cut the heads of all the yellow Peeps and stick them in boxes of Valentine's cakes which he also mutilated with the word's "Screw You" in black frosting.<p>

Before he could continue with his destruction he heard someone clear their throat behind him. L stood there placidly twirling his cane with a seething, red-eyed Light behind him.

"I see Mello doesn't mind losing a comrade. Light, sick 'em." L said moving to the side.

"With pleasure." Light said marching forward.

* * *

><p>Legs shaking, Matsuda turned and took off like a bolt with Mello and Near pursuing closely. He ducked and dodged pipes and wires every now and then looking behind him only to see the two getting closer.<p>

He took a sharp left, then right, then left again…right into a dead end blocked by a vat. Mello and Near closed in on him each getting ready to bludgeon him. Seeing no clear way out he began to scramble up the vat.

"NO, YOU DUMBASS!" Mello and Near screamed as Matsuda pulled over a whole vat of marshmallow filling.

* * *

><p>Matt started to run, but he wasn't even a few feet before Light tackled him from behind. The two fell to the ground with a thud and rolled toward the furnace. Light picked up Matt by the scruff of his neck and dangled him by the furnace.<p>

Matt began to pray as Light prepared to hurtle him into the furnace, but he was interrupted by L shouting from across the room. Something about pepper spray and fire and explosions. Then the two glanced over at the furnace.

Where Matt's can of highly flammable pepper spray had landed in the flames.

"Oh Shi-"

* * *

><p>The marshmallow filling covered the entire floor in a white sticky mess. Near and Mello struggled to stand up while pulling each other down to the ground.<p>

Matsuda glided on the floor like a penguin until he was underneath the window. Then sticky and gooey he fell through and was sprinting back toward L.

* * *

><p>The explosion blinded everyone in the factory and set a couple of things aflame. Light was nursing a burn on his arm and shoulder while L was frantically running around trying to save his precious almond-chewy chocolate supreme bars.<p>

During all the commotion Matt slipped back through the door with a singed neck and an improved hairdo with soot covering every inch of his body. Then he ran through the streets back to Mello.

* * *

><p>The two were so caught up in getting home, they didn't recognize when they passed right by each other muttering the same thing:<p>

"_**My life is Hell."**_

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

_**Sorry for the long wait, but thanks for the reviews! I'll update as much as possible! **_


	4. Costume Party

Next day L's team was up bright and early in the conference room. L sat at the head of the table tapping his fingers irritably on his notebook. Sighing he said, "Matsuda, I am severly disappointed in your performance yesterday."

Matsuda looked up from his cereal and started to protest. "B-but there was a cane and a bat and wanting to kill me! They threatened to throw me in _caramel! Doesn't that matter!?_"

"No, not in the slightest. You didn't do enough damage, though the marshmallow thing was beneficial. But sadly, I'm going to have to dock your pay." L said, shrugging his shoulders and digging into a strawberry cake.

"No! You promised me a new ultimate rare deck of Pokemon cards this week! You can't just take that back. _Ultimate rares._" Matsuda put his head down on the table and started to sulk.

"While Matsuda's sulking, we'll make the next plan. Shall we, Light?"

* * *

><p>Across the way at Mello's factory Near could tell Mello wasn't as lenient with Matt. Especially when he didn't see Matt at the conference table when he got there. "Mello, yesterday I seriously advised you <em>not <em>to kill Matt. Did you heed my advice?" Near asked carrying his Spider-man figure.

"Chill out, Near." Mello said as he leaned back in his chair. "I know I couldn't kill him, I'm out on parole. Still doesn't mean I couldn't punish him."

Just then there came a loud banging from under the table. Near glanced under to see Matt crouched beneath Mello's combat boots. "Hey, could you tell him to shift to the right? His foot is on my burned shoulder." Matt said, straining against the weight of the boots.

"Hey, ottomans aren't supposed to talk asshole! Go back to being inanimate!" Mello said kicking under the table. "Now, excusing the furniture, on to business. Plan two!"

* * *

><p>"Wait, you want me to do what?" Light asked staring at the head on the table. A panda's head, to be exact.<p>

"I _said _I want you to dress up in this panda suit and go offer pictures to little kids out on the sidewalk." L said, pointing at the costume on the table. "Then I'll send Matsuda back to the factory, but this time there should be minimum danger."

Matsuda lifted his head from his pout and smiled. "Alright! I won't let you down this time, I swear!"

Light just stared at the smiling panda head. Then he go up from the table saying,"First, go fuck yourself. Second, go fuck yourself. And third you could probably guess but here's a hint, it involves the word "fuck"."

Before Light could get out the door L said in an obviously loud voice, "Oh, well I guess I have to post this video of you on Youtube after all. For shame, but I dare say you do have some excellent dance moves Light. Girls will be insanely jealous."

"Ooooh! Light, I didn't know you could dance! You almost dance better than me." Matsuda said as he watched the video on L's phone of Light's dancing malfunction.

L whistled the chorus of Beyonce's "Single Ladies" along with the video. "I must admit it is a catchy song to dance to. Others would think so too when they see this."

"You _sadistic BASTARD! How'd you get that!?_" Light screeched as he dove for the phone only to miss as L pushed his chair back and stood up.

"I just decided to tape your excellent moves since I just happened to use my master key to come in and tell you to get your ass to work."

"ARRRGGGGHHHH! _MOTHERFUCKER!_" Light screamed as he snatched up the suit on the table. "Fine! I'll wear the goddamned suit and you _better _delete that video!"

"Scout's honor."

* * *

><p>"Mello, I must not have heard you correctly. Did you just say that I had to get into that? And then...<em>dance?<em>" Near asked incredulously, pointing at the cake getup in the corner.

"Did I stutter? You get your ass in there and dance around down the street. Offer free samples of cake and shit. Then I'll send the ottoman over to L's factory again to go get something specific for me." Mello said kicking Matt out from under the table.

As Matt rolled to a stop Near stared at the vanilla frosted, sprinkled chocolate cake costume. "No. No. _NO._ I refuse, completely and utterly refuse."

Smiling devilishly Mello said, "I knew you were gonna say that. That's why I decided to give you some incentive." Setting down his cane Mello snapped his fingers and a video came up on the screen in the back of the room.

Apparently it was a live video feed of a plastic bag of something dangling over a vat of boiling sugar syrup. Near could just make out the gloved fist of a Batman figure. And Superman's cape. And a robot's antenna. _His action figures._

Near's grip tightened momentarily on his Spider-Man figure, then he heaved a sigh. "Fine, fine, fine. Give me the suit. Just make sure that the figures are down by the time this plan falls through (like they all do). Keep in mind that I still have that baseball bat."

"Don't worry, your dolls are safe. Prisoner's promise."

* * *

><p>L walked around Light a couple of times in the panda suit and smiled a half smile. "A perfect fit."<p>

* * *

><p>Laughing, Mello watched Near zip up the cake costume. "You look so stupid right now."<p>

* * *

><p>Light swore.<p>

* * *

><p>Near groaned.<p>

* * *

><p>"<em><strong>Let's get this over with."<strong>_

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

**_Long awaited update is finally here. (I know, it took too long.) Anyways, thanks for keeping around and the next chapter may be a double update. ;) _**

**_Thanks for the reviews!_**


	5. Cake and Pandas

Hours later there was a smiling black and white panda walking the sidewalk offering kids photos. Most of the kids that ran by actually stopped to smile and say 'cheese'. Other kids stopped and said, "Look at the weirdo in the panda suit!" This had just happened for the 20th time.

_Damn kids, I hate kids, should deport them all to Siberia. _Light thought harshly as another child ran by and stuck his tongue out at him. _That's the fifth time that little snot has come by. He better watch it or he won't have a tongue to stick out. _

Light had been standing on the street corner between L's and Mello's factories for the last hour and a half. It was unbearably hot and the wool costume made the heat worst than Hell. Plus, it itched. Oh, how it itched.

_DO NOT SCRATCH YOUR ASS. Pandas don't do that. _Light thought for the millionth time as the same snotty kid ran past and stuck his tongue out. _You're going to die..._

* * *

><p>Just on the other side of the street a cake with legs was offering free samples to passersby. The stand next to him was riddled with delicious looking slices of vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry cake. People seemed happy to come for a sample...a little too happy.<p>

"For the ninth time, sir," Near said huffily through the costume, "I'm not allowed to give two samples per person! Go away_ now._"

The overweight guy in plus-sized blue sweats stared dolefully at the cakes. "Aw, come on! I swear this is the last one. Besides, I need it! I have a very rare condition and-"

"Oh, is your condition called 'Fat Ass Glutton'? You sure look like you don't need anymore cake, okay. Kindly, _get lost._" Near asserted shifting from foot to foot in his uncomfortable, heavy costume.

As the man sulked off Near once again thought of sneaking a piece of cake for himself. Again he decided against it. Mello told him strictly not to eat any of the samples, not that he was scared of Mello, he just didn't feel like putting up with his bullshit.

* * *

><p>Light was now visibly trying to restrain himself from striking the annoying kid in front of him. <em>That kid's going to get it, he's so gonna get it, I could feel it. Once more, just one more time.<em>

He was waiting out the perfect time to panda punch the jerk when he heard a gruff voice from behind him. "Yo, snot face! Move outta of the way, you're blocking the panda. Other kids want to take pictures too."

To Light's surprise, there was Mello strutting up the sidewalk toward him, cane in hand and hat on head in his burgundy coat. He looked dead set on doing something important and for a split second Light thought he was caught, but it turned out to be a weird false alarm...

"Hey panda I want a picture too." Mello said plainly like that was a normal request for a kid as old and tyrannical as him. "Make it snappy. I have business to attend to."

Not believing what he was doing Light went to set the timer on the camera tripod in front of him. _This monster, the same monster who spikes chocolate with vodka, wants a picture with a PANDA!? Now __the whole point of L's plan is clear..._

Light stood shoulder-to-shoulder with Mello and watched the camera flash go off. He took the developing picture and handed it to Mello with a grunt and waved him on his way. Before he could resume walking the street Mello spoke up.

"This is crap. Let's do it over."

* * *

><p>It was high noon and the sun was directly over Near in is cake getup. He was greatly irritated since a group of rough kids just took half of the samples on the stand and with the costume in the way he couldn't chase after them.<p>

And to make matters worse, his least favorite customer was coming up the sidewalk, _yet again. _The obese man in the blue sweatsuit was making his way around for the twelfth time to ask for cake. He had a terrible look in his eyes that suggested trouble.

_Wish I had a can of pepper spray with me. That guy's not looking too nice and I can't think of outrunning him in this getup if he turns Hungry Hungry Hippo on me. _Near thought worriedly as the man approached the stand.

Though before he could say anything someone tapped on his shoulder from behind. "Excuse me kind sir, but I couldn't help but overhear that you've been causing this salesman some trouble. Leave or I'll call the police." L said smoothly, sliding between the big man and the cake on legs.

Fatty paused for a moment and uttered an almost animal-like growl. Then, slowly, he backed off and slunk down the street.

"Now that that's settled, I'll have the strawberry slice with coconut shavings please." L said eagerly, holding out gloved hand and tapping his cane on the sidewalk. "Make sure it's the one on the left, it looks a lot larger."

As Near handed him the cake he thought, _Well, Mello did have a good idea after all. I just have to keep him here..._

* * *

><p>Over the span of ten long minutes Light and Mello had taken over 80 pictures. Apparently, according to Mello, all of the photos taken were crap. And he refused to leave until he got a picture that he liked.<p>

Letting out a conceited breath Mello said once again, "Redo it. It's not right. Stand straighter. what are you, a hunchback?"

Grumbling, Light had had just about enough of Mello's little retarded picture game and he was near the edge. But Mello wasn't the one that pushed him over...

_...it was the fucking kid. _He finally went too far.

Sticking his tongue out wasn't enough for him. He needed to cause physical and penetrating annoyance to the weirdo in the panda suit. And that's when he kicked Light in the shin. _Hard. _

Unable to stop himself, Light pinwheeled his arms until he fell into the camera, knocking it over with a shatter. Then he fell on his panda ass. The crowning insult was the kid, in his face, LAUGHING. And he has had _enough._

Getting up furiously, Light paw darted out and grabbed the kid up by the seat of his pants. A classic schoolyard wedgie. "YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE PANDA, JACKASS! You little fucker! Kick me in my shin, will ya? I will EAT you. **I. AM. THE. **_**PANDA!**_" Light yelled vehemently as he jolted the kid up and down by his underwear.

Then one of the boys flailing arms hit his head. And the panda head came off. In full view of Mello.

* * *

><p>Near was busily handing L multiple slices of cake. He knew that it was probably Mello's plan to keep him at the stand and L had a frightening large sweet tooth. All had been forgotten about the one free sample policy.<p>

"Here, try the mango-peach one again. You can compare it to the strawberry." Near's muffled voice said through the cake costume as he handed L another slice.

"Oh, if you truly insist. I'll also try that one over there, and that one, and that one." L said excitedly pointing at other pieces.

Near was about to hand L the other slice when he felt a trembling beneath his feet. It felt like a 2 ton 18-wheeler carrying a bed of rocks. _Now, what in the world is that? _Near thought as he turned around 180 degrees to look behind him.

And he saw the fat guy in the blue sweats. Barreling right at him. At a surprisingly fast pace for a guy that looked 300lbs. Plus, he wasn't slowing. _Not a bit._

"cake. Cake. Cake. Cake! Cake! CAKE! CAKE! CAKE! **CAKE! CAKE! CAKE!**" The guy bellowed as he ran straight down the walk. Near had a sinking feeling that the guy was coming for _him_ and not the cake slices.

He quickly turned to L to see if he was going to play protector again, but L was busy scooping all the cake slices he could carry and retreating to watch behind a corner. Near turned back around just in time to take the full force of the crazed man.

Both tumbled onto the ground and started rolling around. Near was screaming, the fat man was screaming, and L was probably screaming too through mouthfuls of cake. The deranged fellow was trying to eat the costume and succeeded in snatching some chunks.

One of the chunks happened to be the face screen. Suddenly, Near's face was exposed to everyone outside, including L.

* * *

><p>Mello stared for one long moment, then he shot off towards his factory.<p>

* * *

><p>L took one look at Near and bolted for his factory.<p>

* * *

><p>"<em><strong>Someone's in my factory!"<strong>_

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

**_New chapter is finally up! I didn't do the double update since this one seemed kinda long, but Matt's and Matsuda's side of the story will be posted tomorrow. _**

**_What are they up to? _**


	6. Breaking, Entering, and Stealing

_**Sorry for not posting an update yesterday, my computer was acting like an ass monkey. But here is the next chapter. Enjoy!**_

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

While Mello beat his feet back to the factory, Matsuda was going through various rooms there trying to find something 'incriminating' or 'precious', as L directed him too. And this time he wasn't to flee without finding something.

After walking around the machine part of the factory Matsuda decided to head upstairs to the rooms where everyone else stayed. The first door to his right had the nameplate "Near". _Oh, the __insanely smart and__ creepy kid that plays with dolls. _Matsuda thought as he tried the door, which was locked. _Of course._

He didn't feel like trying to force the door down so he moved across the hall to the other one. This one said "Matt". _The gamer kid that's scared of Light. _This time the door knob turned smoothly and the door swung in without a sound.

The wave of stench hit Matsuda like a steel wrecking ball. He gagged and his hand shot up to cover his nose. The smell was a mixture of B.O., cologne, and cheese puffs. _How can a human being smell so badly? __Where did he put the dead cat?__ And did I just see that sock MOVE? Dear God..._

Matsuda wanted to turn around and go back home, but L's threat of cutting of his Pokemon card supply still rang in his head. "Just look around and get out", he whispered to himself, "Do it for the Entei card."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, while L was sprinting to his factory down the street, Matt was snooping around trying to get the dirt on one of the workers for L, or L himself. This time he <em>had <em>to do it right or he was going to end up being an ottoman again.

_My back can't take much more of that so I better find something on these twits in here. _Matt thought as he wandered down a corridor upstairs. The first door he came to was labeled "Matsuda" and had Pokeballs and anime characters plastered to it. _Okay, I'm not interested in the idiot..._

Bypassing that door Matt came to another door. A door that's name struck fear down his spine like hot iron pokers. "Light Yagami" was taped to the door with a threatening little sign that said, 'If you're reading this and you're not my mom: GO FUCK YOURSELF.'

The overwhelming instinct to run seized Matt's legs, but before his legs could act his brain stopped him. _This bastard...If I can find something on him then I could make his life virtually a living hell. _He thought as he reached toward the doorknob and pushed the door open.

Flicking on the lights, Matt's eyes widened at how many posters this guy had on the wall. And not just at how many, but of _whom. _Apparently, Light was a big fan of Miley Cyrus. "Now this, all this here, is _pure GOLD. _He's going to regret messing with me!"

* * *

><p>Matsuda waded through the room trying to figure out which was floor and which was candy wrappers. A couple of times he stopped to bend down and investigate something only to see that it was covered in mold...or that it moved. But the games were <em>everywhere, mountains<em> of them.

"How did a single kid get all of these!? Some of these have to be bootleg...they haven't even come out yet. And how did he get Dance Dance Revolution Deluxe with the glow-in-the-dark dance pads? That's not supposed to come out until next year."

Though all the games were impressive Matsuda didn't see anything that was really incriminating. He was about to turn and leave the room when something caught his eye. Something wonderful. Something he just had to have. Something he couldn't live without. _Pokemon: The Unlimited Odyssey _on Xbox 360. A game that only has 50 copies known worldwide.

Matsuda picked up the box and stared at the cover for a full fifteen minutes before swiftly pocketing it. "This seems to be incriminating enough. For, well, um...for being so COOL!" Gently stroking the game in his pocket, Matsuda left the room and headed down the hall.

Toward the door marked "Mello".

* * *

><p>The more Matt dug around in Light's room, the more he started to get weirded out. Not only was he a supposed fan of Miley Cyrus, but he also had a penchant for oldies music like the Beatles, had enough cologne to start a chemical war, and was a stickler for body soaps of all fragrances.<p>

Crossing the room Matt searched under the bed and found folders full of papers. "Jackpot! Let's see what's in here." He said as he dragged the folders out and started looking through the papers. They were labeled '_Plans to Destroy L & Others'._

Deeply unsettled Matt read over the various plans that Light had going through his twisted mind. One involved sabotaging the elevator so that L fell down the elevator shaft. Another detailed poisonous chocolate and cakes. There was even one for the innocent Matsuda that involved switching the 'push' sign on the door with the 'pull' sign, thinking that he will never get out.

"That guy can't be that stupid..." Matt said as he rifled through the other papers until he came to one labled with his name. There was only one plan written under it in all caps: _KILL AS PAINFULLY AS POSSIBLE. _Matt uttered a small shriek as he flung the folder back under the bed and got up to continue searching elsewhere.

After a few more minutes it seemed that he wasn't going to find anything. "Might as well check the drawers and head out." Matt said dejectedly as he started pulling out balls of socks from the dresser. He wasn't really paying attention to what he was doing until his hand hit a chest. And inside that chest was the most rewarding thing he ever saw.

_Alright! This is what I've been looking for. _Matt thought as he smiled and carried the chest out the door and down the hall.

Toward L's room.

* * *

><p>Matsuda wanted to spend as little time in Mello's room as possible. The room was black and red and had the most horrible knick-knacks in it. In one corner there was a medieval flail and in another corner there was a small replica of a guillotine that might work on small children. Also there was a broad sword hanging on the wall...and it looked like it was used recently by the crusted black crud on it.<p>

Shivering violently, Matsuda headed toward where a pitch black dresser stood. It was covered with hair products and combs made out of bone. To one side there was a bowl filled with candy guarded by a skull. Spotting the candy, Matsuda perked up a little. "Some of this ought to calm my nerves. Just a piece."

He stuck his hand out tentatively, intending to grab a piece of taffy, when the skull started to glow. _Blood red. _And then it _smiled _and began to talk. "THE ASSHOLE WHO'S TOUCHING MY SHIT BETTER START RUNNING." It screamed, then started to laugh.

Matsuda shrieked and threw the skull across the room. He turned to run and stumbled over his own feet, sprawling onto the floor. From his vantage point he could see under Mello's bed. And what he saw was a tiny, cute, fuzzy panda doll with a tag labeled "Susan".

Reaching under the bed Matsuda took the panda and examined it. "Hmm, this seemed to fit what L was talking about. I'll take this and get the hell out of here-"

Then he heard a voice coming from downstairs. "_BITCH! Get out of my room!"_

* * *

><p>Matt didn't think it was a good idea to spend too long in L's room. Besides, there wasn't really much to the room in the first place. It was a soft blue with white accents, there was a computer sitting on a desk in one corner and a simple dresser and mirror sitting in another. The bed was plain and unmade.<p>

Spending fruitless minutes searching the room, Matt decided that L just didn't have anything that could be defined as a 'wow' factor. He took one more shot at finding something by opening the closet door. "Holy Sweets! How did he get an entire _bakery _into his closet!"

The closet was way larger than it appeared on the outside. The sides were lined with millions of cakes, chocolates, puddings, gum, taffy, and every other candy known to man. But there was one cake that caught Matt's eye. It was dead center in the room under a gilded cage with a gold padlock on it.

Written neatly in L's script beneath the cake was a simple message: _Touch and you DIE. _

Staring at the golden delicacy Matt had come to a swift decision. "This is what I need to make sure I never become an ottoman again. This is coming with me."

But as he was carrying the gilded cage out of the closets he heard harried steps from downstairs. And a voice. "_You'd better...NOT...TOUCH...MY...CAKE!"_

* * *

><p>Panic seized Matsuda and for a split second his mind was blank. Then snapping out of his frozen state he darted toward the window at the other end of the room. Quickly he yanked it open and jumped on the rickety fire escape just as Mello burst into the room.<p>

* * *

><p>Struggling to carry both the chest and the cage Matt spun around in frantic circles searching for a way out. Out of the corner of his eye Matt spotted a window with a fire escape outside. Bundling up his stolen objects he opened the window and clattered down the steps just as L's cane came whizzing by his head.<p>

* * *

><p>"<em><strong>One more minute and I would've been dead."<strong>_


	7. Hostile Candymakers

Matsuda stumbled out of the door behind him and hastily slammed it shut. His hair was in disarray and his face was ghastly pale with eyes that were wide and dilated. The suit he was wearing was in shreds and one of his shoes were missing. Spotting Light at the end of the hallway he ran over to him.

"Light! I don't know what else to do! He doesn't want anyone within 10 feet of him. He doesn't want to laugh or insult me or anything! And the cane he has now...HAS A SWORD IN IT. LOOK AT MY SUIT!" Matsuda rattled off as he pointed at the various cuts and slashes in his suit.

Pacing restlessly Light replied, "Well, what do you want me to do? We just need him back to normal so he can run the factory and pay me. Besides, it just a goddamned slice of _cake!_"

L had been in a fury ever since he found that his precious cake slice was missing. Apparently it was a slice of cake made by some ancient bakery chef and it was passed down and yada, yada, yada. Now he won't let Light or Matsuda in his room and he cuts anyone with his sword cane if they try.

_Dammit, why does he have to be a freak of nature when it comes to sweets? _Light thought sourly as he paced the floor. _How do I get the thing back and get him to stop raging in there? _Sighing heavily Light turned to go to his room. "Matsuda, go back in there and settle him down. I'm going to think."

"WHA-? Didn't I mention _SWORD CANE_?" Matsuda started to protest, but was shut out as soon as Light entered the room.

* * *

><p>Matt sat on the ground panting with his back against a door. He lifted a trembling hand to touch the tender lump on the back of his hand. Hissing in a sharp breath he pulled his hand away and lifted up his shirt to look at the multitude of welts covering his stomach and probably his back too. As he was checking, Near came from around the corner.<p>

"_Oh thank god! _Near! Please do something about him! I already threatened to call the police, but he doesn't care about going back to jail. I tried to talk with him and got knocked upside the head with a combat boot. Then he proceeded to whip me with his _belt! _I ran when he pulled the sword off the wall." Matt said rubbing his sore back.

Fiddling with his Captain America figure Near heaved a sigh. "Who would've thought that he was attached to a stuffed panda? I mean, come on, it's a baby toy. I honestly thought he would have more moxie than this. Guess geniuses are wrong once in a blue moon."

Mello had been terrorizing anyone who dared set foot in his room. The only reason Matt was caught in his scope was because he wandered too close to the door when it was open. Susan, his dear beloved panda, had been with him since he arrived at Wammy's House and was a constant companion.

"Anyways, I think I may have a solution but I need peace and quiet to think. And peaceful and quiet he is not. So, I'm going to head to my room." Near said as he turned on his heel and went to the room.

Grumbling, Matt struggled onto his feet and limped toward his own room. "Well I'm going to go and put some vaseline on these welts. Maybe play some video games..."

* * *

><p>Shutting the door tightly to drown out Matsuda's screaming down the hall, Light flopped exhaustedly onto his bed. Prancing around in a panda suit then giving a grade schooler a wedgie is hard work. For a few minutes he lay prone on the bed then got up to dig his chest out of the drawer.<p>

Opening his drawer he started to rifle through the pairs of socks and underwear he had hoping to stumble upon the chest at the bottom. He didn't.

"What the hell-?" Puzzled, Light searched his others drawers to see if he put the chest into one of them. Again nothing. Panicking now, Light searched under his bed, in the closet, on the computer desk, and every other inch of his room.

While frantically searching the drawer again a thought hit him. _That video game bastard...did I leave my door unlocked?...I did...that video game BASTARD. _"I'm gonna kill him..."

* * *

><p>Dropping onto his bed like a pile of stones Matt heaved a sigh of relief. Achingly he reached over and grabbed the vaseline from the floor and started to apply some to his body. After he was finished he started sifting through his mountain of video games for his rare game.<p>

Even though the spot was junky Matt could always put his hands on whatever game he needed. But this time he couldn't find what he was looking for.

"Where's the Pokemon game?" He said, beginning to shift faster through the games. After a few moments he was practically flinging the games aside, not paying any attention to where they went. Then he started to search the mountain of junk food.

Tossing a bag of Cheese Doodles aside, he remembered something. _I didn't lock my door...the village idiot that got Mello must have gotten in here too...which means my priceless games is... _"No. Fucking. WAY."

* * *

><p>Livid, Light barged out of his room, ready to start swinging at anyone that got in his way. But when he turned the corner and went down stairs towards the front door he was greeted by a semi-pleasant sight.<p>

There was L, composed as ever, standing by the door looking impatiently at his watch. "Ah, Light. Glad you could make it. After blowing off some steam (at the expense of Matsuda) I've arranged a meeting in a local coffee shop in neutral territory with Mello and his gang. I told Matsuda to bring the stuff he stole."

"You're planning on negotiating with them? They stole your oh so precious slice of cake." Light said as he came down the stairs to stand beside a trembling Matsuda who had went and changed his shredded suit.

"Oh, I'm going to negotiate alright." L said, with a small mischievous smile.

* * *

><p>Strident with anger, Matt dashed out of his room and scrambled down the stairs, almost barreling into Near at the bottom. And someone else.<p>

Mello was standing with his back against the door frame. "Man, it's about damn time. Were you going to cry over those belt welts forever? I didn't even hit you that hard." Mello said casually as he picked up his cane from an umbrella stand. "Hurry up, we're going to meet L and his weirdos. Make sure you bring whatever you took from that place."

Near turned to Matt and smiled. "Mello decided to listen to my idea of a controlled meeting in a neutral area where we could exchange the stuff that was stolen. Go ahead, praise my genius."

"Yeah, yeah. We're going to negotiate." Mello said slyly.

* * *

><p>Little was known that this negotiation was going to turn into a battle.<p>

* * *

><p><em><strong>So who's coming out on top?<strong>_

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

_**Gotta love hostile candy** **makers...**_


	8. Civilized Meeting?

_**Sorry for not updating regularly (for those who like reading this). I admit to being a hobo-bum and being extremely lazy... This chapter is typed normally since both of the groups are in the same place.**_

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

The tense meeting of the candymakers was to take place at Ray's Coffee & Cake Shop in the center of town, at noon, at the table in the far corner. It was supposed to be a civilized trade-off with no foul play involved.

As fate would have it both teams met each other in the front of the shop and did not move to let each other through the door. No one spoke, only glared hostilely at each other holding the stolen items from the day before.

L spoke up first. "I believe you have something that belongs to me and one of my workers here. If you would just hand it off to me no one would have to die and I would only cause you intermediate pain. Furthermore-"

"Shut up asshole! Who gave you first dibs to get your stuff back? You guys give me my stuff and I'll give your shit back. And maybe I won't stick my boot up your purple ass!" Mello yelled before L could finish. "So? _Get moving._"

Matsuda tried to step in and play peacemaker. "Now, now, you guys. No need for anyone to get huffy. We're all going to get our stuff back safe and sound. No hard feelings to anyone." He said placatingly with a sunny smile on his face.

"Fuck 'no hard feelings', dumbass! Where's my _Pokemon: The Unlimited Odyssey_?! It's one of a kind and an amatuer like you shouldn't even have set hands on it." Matt said stradling Light's wooden chest underneath his arms.

"Amatuer? _Amatuer?! _I'll have you know that I am a Lvl. 150 Pokemon trainer with half the rare Pokemon captured _and _the mirrored glitches! Unless you have a double platinum Pikachu, then don't open your mouth to _ME _about Pokemon!" Matsuda yelled angrily shaking the game back and forth.

"ARRRRGGH! NO ONE CARES ABOUT POKEMON! Give me back SUSAN!" Mello screamed pointing at the tattered panda in L's hands. "I can almost swear I'll leave your body recognizable for your funeral."

L glanced at the caged cake that Mello had slung at his side. "First, you give me that. That is a sacred piece of cake. And then I won't throw Susan in a trash compactor." He said as he twisted the body of the stuffed panda.

"_Screw your cake. KISS MY ASS!_" Mello said as he shook the cage mercilessly, jolting the cake up and down.

Then Light took a step forward, his eyes fixed on the wooden box under Matt's arm. "Hey, Pipsqueak! The box. Hand it over and I'll at least leave most your teeth in your mouth or you can gum applesauce, see if I care. Just hand over the box." Light said in a menacing tone.

"Honestly, I kinda wanted this to be a civilized meeting, not a sidewalk brawl." Sighed Near holding his Spider-Man figure loosely in his hand. "But, if everyone is making personal vendetta threats then I suppose that you aren't too safet either, Village Idiot."

"Wha-? ME? What did I ever do to you- ooohh! That doll I threw? You're still made over that aren't you?" Matsuda said as he pointed at the Spider-Man figure.

Near's eye twitched slightly at the word 'doll'. "First, _THIS IS NOT A DOLL. _Second, this figure has a 10-inch switchblade in it (the better to cut you with). And thirdly, _YOU DIE __NOW!_"

And with that declaration everyone sprung into motion. Light took off after Matt down sidewalk toward the center of town. Near gave chase to Matsuda inside the coffee shop. And L sped after Mello into a dark alley.

_**Three separate confrontations commence!**_

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

**_Pretty short, but the good stuff's coming!_**


	9. Ready or Not Here Comes Near

When Near charged at Matsuda with the switchblade action figure the only place he could think of to run was into the coffee shop. _It's a public place, I mean really, he's a smart kid and doesn't want to go to jail. And even if he is completely crazy then the people inside would interfere, right? _Matsuda thought as he ran through the glass doors at full speed.

Once inside though his plan fell to pieces. There were only two people inside the entire shop (this included the cashier) and when they saw the demented kid with the switchblade they cleared out..._fast._ Leaving Matsuda alone to fend for himself.

"No use running you know. You're going to tire before me since you're panicking right now. Eats up all your stamina. Plus, your old." Near said as he swung the blade back and forth methodically.

"I'm not that old!" Matsuda protested as he backed up against the clear display case filled with pastries and cakes. "Anyways, don't you think you're blowing this a bit out of proportion? I mean I'm sorry about the doll- and dammit, I just called it a doll again!" He said as he facepalmed himself.

Near was no longer listening to anything that Matsuda had to say, continuing to get closer to Matsuda. The only thing he was bent on was carving something with his switchblade.

Realizing that he couldn't talk himself out of this, Matsuda quickly jumped the counter of the pastry display and started to chuck whatever doughy cream-filled treats he could get his hands on. The danishes, cupcakes, and eclairs all made direct contact and Near had to stop to rub strawberry sauce off his face.

Seizing the small chance he had Matsuda opened the door behind the counter to the back room and dashed inside. The room was filled with racks of freshly ground coffee beans bundled in sacks. Sacks that were tall enough for him to hide behind.

A moment later Near's footsteps could be heard as he entered the back room. "_Here dummy, dummy, dummy_.Come and _PLAY. _I'll even let you hold the Spider-Man _figure. Here dummy, dummy, dummy._" The strawberry sauce still smeared on his face made it look like a bloody mess, with widened dilated eyes.

Matsuda stood as still as possible, not even risking to breathe. He bundled into a crouch as he heard Near come closer to where he was hiding. _Please don't let him find me, please don't let him find me. If there is a God then he won't find me and cut me with a Spider-Man switchblade. _He thought as he scrunched his eyes closed.

The footsteps slowly faded into the back of the room and Matsuda heaved a sigh of relief. A _loud _sigh of relief. Too late he realized his error as he slapped both his palms to his mouth.

Five seconds went by, then twenty, then a full minute. Slowly Matsuda let his hands drop and peeked from behind the sack of coffee grounds...

…..right into Near's face.

"_**BOO!**_" He yelled as he lunged at Matsuda. The blade was out and gleaming and Matsuda was sure that he wasn't going to walk out of the shop with his eyes.

Then the lights came on in the room and a shape appeared in the doorway. "Hey! What the hell are you doing to my shop!? And how'd you get back here in the first place!" The owner of the shop screamed, then paused when he got a look at Near.

Near paused too, knife hoisted in mid-air above Matsuda. "_Oh shit. IT'S THE CRAZY CAKE MAN!_" He shouted as he backed off Matsuda and glanced the emergency exit at the back of the room.

Matsuda got steadily to his feet and looked at the man standing in the doorway. He was 10x his size and didn't look the least bit happy that Matsuda was rolling around in his coffee grounds. The way his nostrils flared and his fat jiggled told all.

Laughing shakily, Matsuda and Near began to back towards the emergency exit. The fat man stood there seething.. When they realized that the fat man was going to want compensation for his shop they took the only option available:

_**Run like hell.**_

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

_**Up next: Light vs. Matt! **_


	10. Satan's Coming

_**Again, late update thanks to the flu. Though the hallucinations of L were rather...vivid. I'm not complaining. On with the story! **_

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

People who were on a nice stroll through town were surprised to see the small, frazzled red-head run by with a chest as big as him being chased by a young Satan like figure. But no one took active heed in stopping the event.

Matt kept glancing back periodically only to see that Light was getting steadily closer, fueled by anger and 10 cups of latte. _I'm not going to be able to keep running for long, __especially with this thing...How the hell do I slow him down?! _He thought as he ran through the crowd of bewildered people.

Running through a crush of people should have at least slowed down a normal person. Notice the word _normal. _Light's inhuman fury didn't make him normal in the slightest. All traces of humanity had left him when he pushed the woman with the stroller into the gutter trying to get closer to Matt.

"STOP RUNNING! Every step you take will make it worse for you!" Light yelled as he shoved countless people aside. "Just wait until I corner you! I'll make sure your body is never found, punk!"

With each step Matt's stamina was going and his panic growing. Shoving his own fair share of people around, he ran into the outdoor area of a restaurant. Quickly shifting the chest under one arm, Matt used the other to knock down as many chairs as he could to block Light's rampage.

One chair happened to have a small girl of 6 in it eating as sundae. Not really caring if anyone was sitting in the chair or not Matt tipped that one over too, spilling the girl onto the cement in front of him. "MOVE BITCH!" Matt yelled as he stumbled over the little girl, ruining her nice yellow sundress.

Despite the rudeness of it Matt's idea succeeded in slowing Light down, at least for a little while. It started to backfire on him when a flying blue chair smashed to pieces inches to the left of him. Then another. And another. _"Shit, shit, shit! _He's TOSSING them at me!"

Indeed Light was taking the chairs in his path and swinging them with monstrous dexterity in Matt's direction. "You think chairs are going to stop me? I am a reincarnation of Satan! _IF I GO TO HELL, YOU'RE COMING WITH ME!"_

"Holy SHIT! _HE'S OUTTA HIS MIND!_" Matt screamed as he looked frantically for a path of escape.

"DAMN RIGHT I AM! Give me back the chest!"

Out of the corner of his eye Matt spotted a narrow alley. Crossing his fingers that it wasn't a dead end he ducked into it to get hoping to lose Light.

It didn't work.

Two minutes later and the only footsteps to be heard were Matt and Light's in the puddles of the alley. And to make matters worse, the alley ended up being a dead end. Seeing no possible escape Matt stopped before he smashed himself against the wall.

"No, no, no, no, no, no! I'm dead, I'm gonna die! And I didn't get to level 99 in _Asteroids_!" Matt cried as he tried to find another way to get out of the alley. Then he heard the menacing voice behind him.

"_Gotcha!_" Light cried as he cornered Matt in. "Now I'm going to really hurt you, then possibly kill you, then kill you again, and I don't care how irrational that sounds I'm gonna do it anyways!"

_There's nothing I can do...I'm going to die in a stinking alley because I had to follow Mello and work in his stupid factory. You could have worked at GameStop, but noooo, you had to follow the gang. Now look, you're going to die because of a stupid chest...THE CHEST! _Matt looked down at the chest under his arms and grinned.

Before Light could take another step Matt raised the chest high above his head. "Take one more step and I'll smash it! And whatever you don't want anyone to see will come spilling out!" Matt yelled to Light backing a little farther away.

Light gave a slight pause, then slowly began to advance again. "You wouldn't dare. I'll still kill you and no one would know what's in the chest even if you did see it."

Matt smiled a grinch's smile. "That's what you say. But really you're the type of person that doesn't want to give an inch in a battle, not one iota. If I was to see inside the chest, all the running around you did would have been null and void since someone would know your secret. Whether that person is dead or not makes no difference. Am I right?"

Seeing that he had been out-thought, Light paused to think for a moment. "Hmm, okay let's just do this...RRRAAARRRGGGHHH!" Light gave a primal scream as he charged at Matt head-on, all reason banished from his mind.

Reacting with lightning fast reflexes Matt smashed the chest on the ground just when Light got withing three feet of him. And he couldn't believe what was inside...

Matt froze.

Light froze.

The scary-looking guy froze.

The broken chest contained ponies. _My Little Ponies_. RainbowDash and all. Multicolored horses with colorful manes. You get the picture.

And Matt broke at in huge guffaws of laughter. "You were protecting _PONIES!? _Oh my GOD! _Priceless! _Do you hold monthly tea parties and eat miniature cakes? Or wait, wait wait, spread the power of FRIENDSHIP! HAHAHAHAHA!"

Light was blushing madly now and shifting nervously about. "B-b-big deal. They're ponies. You've got the wrong idea. My mom bought those before I was _born! _She thought I was going to be a girl, but when I wasn't I didn't want to hurt her feelings by tossing them away and, and, and-DAMMIT, STOP LAUGHING BRAT!"

"Yes, you should stop laughing. And you should stop yelling profanity." The big scary guy said calmly from behind the both of them. Light and Matt spun around to find a humungous, Hulk look-alike with rippling muscles and beef cake hands standing behind them.

And standing behind the guy was the little girl in the yellow sundress. "That's them Daddy. The boy knocked down the seat I was in and the other one stepped on my sundress." The girl said meekly pointing at Light and Matt.

"Don't worry, Sunshine. Daddy's going to make them apologize..._many times. _Aren't I right, boys?" The man said, cracking his knuckles menacingly and starting towards Light and Matt. "Pumpkin, close your eyes for a moment."

"_**Fuck my life."**_

_**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~**_

_**Finale! Mello vs. L! **_


	11. Pure Imagination

L and Mello's showdown would take place in the park. The strangely deserted park on a warm, sunny afternoon. Not that it mattered to either of them. The only thing that truly mattered was which one was going to get the worse ass whipping.

Mello had a slight lead on L, but that was changing fast since the cage was hindering his ability to go faster than a mad sprint. This didn't stop Mello from calling out as many taunts as he could think up while trying to outpace L.

"What's wrong, Scarecrow?! Can't keep up? I bet it's your diabetes from all that sugary shit you eat everyday. HOW ABOUT YOU DIE OF A HEART ATTACK ALREADY!" Mello jeered over his shoulder as he tried to distance himself from L. As far as he could see L was exactly the same distance away from him as when they've started.

In fact, L was the same distance from Mello as when the chase started, but not because of diabetes. He was saving most of his energy for when Mello ran out of steam. Going a lot faster on shorter legs, Mello was bound to tire out before L had to catch a second wind.

Ignoring the taunts L muttered to himself, "Won't be long now, he'll be gasping for breath by the time we reach the bridge over the pond. Besides, he doesn't want to run _too _far away. Not when I have this ugly piece of junk he calls _Susan_. More like a stuffed nightmare."

Steadily, the trees of the park grew scarce and Mello burst into a wide meadow with a pond in it. The only way to get across the pond was to use the bridge. But his stamina was waning and the cake-in-a-cage was starting to feel heavier by the second.

_Dammit, what do I do now? He's gonna get me once I get across the bridge, _he thought as he took a quick peek over his shoulder, only to see that L seemed to be a little _closer _this time, _Why does he have such LONG FUCKING LEGS!? _He had to stop to catch his breath and soon.

The gap was closing fast and by the time Mello got to the far side of the bridge L was approaching the opposite side with a demonic grin on his face as he tapped his cane against his gloved hands. He stopped at the end of the bridge and waited for Mello to turn around, he would have to if he wanted his Susan back.

"I suggest that you carefully put the cake down in front of you and slowly back away from it. If you do that then I won't make your face uglier than it already is, even though there is possibly no way it can do that." L said calmly as he slid his gloves off his hands. "Oh, and maybe I'll give you this thing back. I sure as hell don't want to stare at it anymore."

His back pinned against the wall, Mello suddenly wished that Near and Matt was with him now...at least to act like a human shield for a few minutes while he made his getaway.

Then the weirdest thing happened: they WERE there. Just out of thin air. Matt on one side, covered in grime and muck, and Near on the other side, breathing heavy like he just ran a marathon. All three of them looked at each other in astonishment, then down at themselves.

Matt voiced what they were all thinking, "What the hell just happened?"

Near was holding his head in his hands wearily as he tried to think it out, but it was too illogical to comprehend. Mello, on the other hand, couldn't care less. He wanted back and now he had it. Quickly turning to L (who was equally astonished) he yelled, "I've got more people than you do! What you gonna do now, you PURPLE FREAK! Can't take on three at once no matter how tall you are!"

Puzzled beyond reason L did something he hardly ever did: he blanked out. _How was that possible? One minute open space, the next poof! Just there out of thin air. Could I do that? Can I do that? I could try, can't I? _Tearing away from his current thoughts L pictured Light and Matsuda by his side.

And there they were. None worse for wear, just looking as bewildered as he was right this second.

"What the fuck are you?! And I thought I was the spawn of Satan." Light said as he stared at his feet then up at L who was looking at him with fascination.

"This is completely illogical beyond reason, but since you're here out of nowhere I'll take what I can." He replied as he swung his cane aimlessly.

Matsuda was staring at his hands in amazement. "Absolutely AWESOME! Wait, wait, wait. I bet I could make an Entei appear. I WISH FOR AN ENTEI!" He shouted into the sky holding up his hands like a prophet.

Surprisingly, that came too. And a Lucario, for some strange reason. Everyone in the field was speechless, looking at the Pokemon as Matsuda jumped up and down hooting derangedly.

"Um, ah, can I have a gun?" Mello said looking up at the sky and lo and behold there one was in his outstretched palm. "BOOYAH! Kiss your face goodbye, you cake-eating freak!"

But L was just getting the hang of this wishing business too and was holding in his hand a perfect replica of a Colt. "I think you mean _your _face." He said snarkily, taking aim.

Matt was wishing himself a full suit of Call of Duty gear. "Just wait until I could figure out how to use all this stuff! I'm gonna put your lights out!" He called out to Light scrambling to lift the heavy duty boots onto his feet.

Light was calling forth a bunch of freaky looking demon things from a crack that opened up in the ground in front of him. He was holding a blood red pitchfork. "I can really be Satan now! _No one getting away from ME!"_

The only person not wishing for anything was Near. He was still thinking and thinking _hard_. Then the solution came to him. "The only way this could be possible is that: all this is a dream. _ALL OF THIS IS A DREAM!"_

And just like that everything went white, stark white. Then turned into a murky gray, to a deep black, and finally a startling yellow. Which was the sunlight creeping into everyone's vision as they woke up, stretched out in a field surrounded by strange pink and black berries.

They were all there: L, Light, Mello, Matt, Near, Matsuda. But they could've done with a decent shower and a bit of memory of how they got there in the first place. Everyone was groggy and muttering incoherent fragments, but L was the first one to piece together a sentence.

"I'M NEVER GOING CAMPING _EVER AGAIN_!"

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

**_I think this ended marvelously, don't you? XD PM me if you want a prequel to this madness...though I may just end up doing one anyways, too good to pass up._**


End file.
